There are a few things in this life that are certainly not fun. Having a piece of meat stuck in between your teeth in that impossible to reach section of your mouth. Losing a loved one to illness or mishap. Wondering whether my grandmother is in heaven or hell, being unsure because years of religious schooling tells me that she isn't. Waking up in the middle of the night with my mind completely scrambled with ridiculous questions.
Who am i?
Where am i?
What am i doing in this world?
Since i have no answers, its really easier to focus on the questions themselves. Its easier to look for the reasons behind my need to find those answers rather than the answers. If that's confusing, maybe that's a sign of the times too.
Could it be just some twenty-something insecurities that i feel? I think so. But that's strange because i'm usually so self-aware, and conscious of my direction in life.
I've got it all planned out. I'm 26. I've spent 19 of those years studying, and i'll probably spend another 4-5 years of it taking the final steps of formal education.
I'm 26. I've spent the last 14 years realizing that i'm a man, with male needs and desires. I will probably spend the rest of my life trying to satisfy those biological and emotional needs. I aim to succeed.
I'm 26. I've spent the last 10 years focused on the simple goal of making a ton of money, enough so that i never have to look at another price tag before deciding whether to buy something or not. I plan to spend the next 14 years making this ultimate luxury a possibility.
I'm 26. I've spent the last 3 years working, in an actual formal career. I love my job (e.g. i get to be on the internet the whole day and get paid for it), and i intend to stick with it for at least the next 2 years to complete the obligations of my new countract (why not? PETRONAS has offered to pay me even more money than before). But i also intend not to do this for the rest of my life. The only way to make money is to work for yourself, rather than for others. Very soon, i believe that i will be ready to make that transition. Not quite yet - there is still so much to learn, so much that requires preparation, but the time will happen soon when i will be ready to stand on my own.
I'm 26. I've spent the last 26 of it being a son to my parents, and the last 16 of it being a brother to my sisters. I plan to never let that change. My family is paramount in my life, and one day, my very own family will be an extension of that value i place on such bonds. By the will of God, i will be married by 30, if for no other reason than because i have begun to have a tremendous urge to be responsible for my own children, and the life of partnership with another human being.
See? I have it all planned out. Its vital to have a plan, and i've got a plan. There will be spanners in the works here and there, but i trust in myself enough to know that my plan will work out ok in the end.
So, why the hell am i awake right now? And asking myself those infernal questions? Who am i? Where am i?
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