As i pointed out in an earlier posting, i try really hard not to feel conscious about the peculiar racial circumstances i'm in: half-Chinese, half-Malay but looking all-Chinese. Over the years, clearing up this fact has been a sure topic for any conversation with someone i'm meeting for the first time. It's not that i like talking about it; but i don't mind answering the curiousity of those who ask.
Being in Alor Setar, Kedah, these past few days has led to lot of soul searching; searching for answers that i don't remember ever asking myself. This is the first time i'm visiting Kedah as an adult, so i suppose the self-examination has been inevitable. Why now and not before? Because there is a reason why Kedah is called the "Malay Heartland" of Malaysia. Everyone, and i mean everyone is a Malay here.
Maybe its happened before, but i've never really been conscious about it. Walking the streets, people stare at me. When i pay for my food, people look at me with wondering eyes, almost as though they're asking, "What are you doing here?"
Really. I'm not imagining this. Since none of them know my name, or that i'm really a Malay (in disguise?), i can only presume that it's because of my Chinese looks. I look around: indeed, i'm the only non-Malay face in sight. People stare at things that are uncommon.
I agree with what some of you have written earlier as comments on the issue. But i think we need to be realistic about such matters: race relations in this country will be a sensitive issue for years to come. No politician, or even common person in this country can really avoid its implications or its reach. No matter how much the educated elite want to believe that racial discrimination can be eliminated from the Malaysian psyche, it must be accepted that such opinion is in the minority.
I'm not saying that the people of Kedah are racists; its just that they are still so aware about the differences in the races that they can't help but stare when faced with someone different. The stares are discomforting, and i can imagine that it would be cause enough for many (though not me) to resent those staring. That's how racial tensions begin. Its always with the stare.
Some may ask, how is it that i can come to this conclusion? People look at me funny on the streets of Alor Setar, and i automatically come to the conclusion that race relations are far from perfect in this country. To you, i say, you have to be here, you have to be in my shoes, seeing what i see when i see people looking at me. You have to be a China-man in the Malay Heartland to feel what i feel.
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