I was fortunate to have a talk with a married man today. He told me that i should be in no rush to get married. He told me that i should take time and find a suitable partner, preferably one that isn't like his own wife.
I think he needed to get some of these things of his chest so i let him speak. His wife has changed, he said. Not from the marriage itself: the first years of marriage were a wonderful experience. No, things changed the moment the kids arrived.
From that moment on, its as though his life in hers took a back seat. So far back, in fact, if their marriage was a car, it would be the ultimate stretch limousine.
He wants to go out on romantic dates every once in a while, just him and the wife, just like before. She says no. The kids must go where they go.
He wants to watch movies with her. The first thing she asks is whether the movies are rated "U" (for "Universal").
He has a tough day at work. He comes home with a back ache. Before, he could expect a sympathetic back-rub, now all he gets is a shrug of the shoulders.
She cooks their favourite foods. She plays with them in the evenings, reads them stories, takes them to the park, wakes up in the middle of the night to comfort them when they have nightmares. Its not that she has lost the ability to love and be tender, but she just doesn't give anything in his direction anymore.
She's become increasingly demanding. She nags all the time. Take the rubbish out. You forgot to replace the toilet paper. Your pants are on the floor. You shouldn't swear in front of the kids. You stay out too late. You leave your toothbrush out of the cup. You leave your cups everywhere. Nag, nag, nag, nag.
He buys her flowers, or does something nice for her. When before, it would have solicited a pleasant response, now it solicits little more than a simple thank you. All he gets is a pat on the shoulder and then she turns back to the kids.
Is this what women become when they have children? The husbands become little more than "just that guy who lives with us"?
In the end, he tells me that when i decide to get married, i should look for a woman who will always regard her husband as her "#1 Customer". The kids will be there, and they deserve 100% of what they require. But she must realize that her husband is human too. Its not the large things that matter, not really. A simple loving word of greeting when she sees him in the evening. The quiet snuggle in front of the tv at nights. The care to cook his favoured dish. The initiative to send him a sexy sms.
None of these things are hard to do. It makes me wonder why she can't do it.
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